Things I won't miss about my ex

Haven't been able to think of anything I won't miss about my ex for the past few days.

I won't miss the way She twists things around so that NOTHING is SHE'S responsibility. Towards the end of the moving furniture incident I described earlier I told her (when we had finished assembling the furniture and were done moving things around) that one PRACTICAL reason I often hesitate when She asks for help is because it feels to me that tasks often end up much larger than what I agreed to and it was difficult to agree to things when I felt like I didn't have accurate information about scope or time involved on which to make a decision - I said it was hard to agree to something when didn't know what I was agreeing to. She turned it around and said "Why don't you just tell me when it gets uncomfortable for you?" I said, I just need more accurate information _before_ I can feel comfortable agreeing to things and She said (sounding angry) "Sometimes things take longer than I think, and things come up that I didn't think about". I tried again gently explaining that I was trying to give She information that I thought She could use so that I could agree to She's requests more often/readily, and She sounded angrier - again telling me that I should just tell She when "I felt uncomfortable". I said, ok we are in different spaces and I don't want to talk about it right now and I went outside to sit by myself to remove myself from the antagonistic atmosphere. She came outside and told me that if I didn't want to try to work on things right then that I just wanted to sit outside and feel bad. [See related note below]

I won't miss She's inability to plan ahead or to see the logical steps to getting a simple task done. I generally hesitate to agree to She's requests for help because they seem to ALWAYS inevitably snowball into much larger projects. A request to help She put up shelves in She's new home turns into a several day (and several hours) long ordeal because she bought precut shelves that didn't fit into the closet. Now She bought the shelves apparently without measuring the closet, though perhaps she did and the closet was just not that square (it was not), and had the shelves sitting in the closet for several days and didn't try them to see if they fit until I was there to help put them up. Then, even knowing that the walls were drywall (She had complained about the construction of the walls on a couple of previous occassions and about the difficulty of hanging things) She didn't purchase any drywall hanging implements to put the shelves up with, She was planning to use normal wood screws to hold up She's shelf supports. This despite that we lived in a similar apartment complex a couple of years ago and had to get *special* drywall hanging implements for *everything* we hung on the walls. Speaking of the shelf supports, She cut the shelf supports Sheself (good initiative) but didn't drill the holes, so I had to drill them all before I could try to put them up (also remember that the drill I was using (which She had borrowed from me and which was the common family drill so she had experience with it - at least in theory) is battery powered and can only drill a few holes before needing to be recharged so the battery is definitely going to get drained before finishing drilling 2-3 holes in each of the 6-8 shelf supports _plus_ matching holes in the walls). When I discovered that there were no studs to attach the shelf supports to She had to go to the store to get the drywall supports. I hung around drilling holes in shelf supports then waiting for She to get back from the store. Then when She got back we (I) discovered that the shelves didn't fit so she had to take the shelves back to our old house to sand off the edges to see if She could make them fit.

Another time She asked me if I could go with She to the store to help She because She didn't think She could get the furniture kit She was purchasing into the car by herself. I said ok, imagining I was going to help her move the furniture from the store to the car then from the car to her apartment. When we moved the furniture from the car into the apartment She wanted to asssemble the furniture. Problem? She didn't have any of the tools we needed (either a Hammer or a Phillips screwdriver). So rather than drive the 2 miles to our old house to borrow the tools, we had to use a regular screwdriver that wouldn't fit, a kid's utensil that had an edge that would fit into the screws, and a rock she found outside. Then She wanted to put the furniture in a location where She already had a large bookcase full of books so had to remove all the books and move the bookcase before putting the new furniture in it's place. Then She considered moving the bookcase upstairs and putting the bookcase in a different location and rearranging other furniture. A request for what I thought was an an hour of time turns into 2-3+ hours. It would be different if I were in love or we enjoyed each other's company, but I am not and we don't.

I won't miss those snowballing tasks She asks for help with.

I won't miss how She turns everying into ridiculous bifurcations. Either I want to talk about a specific issue RIGHT NOW WHEN SHE WANTS TO or "I just want to sit there feeling bad". I won't miss She trying to ascribe feelings to me and She's resentment that I won't tell her what I am feeling. Tough cookies, She lost the privilege of knowing what I was feeling when She said she wanted nothing to do with me emotionally, relationshipwise, physically, or any other way. If I thought She really cared or could be remotely empathetic I would tell She, but She only wants to know so She can tell me why I am wrong to feel that way or to get me to do something I don't want to do. This from the person who taught me that feelings aren't right or wrong, that feelings "just are". She is not the same person She used to be or presented Sheself to be. I do miss the person I at least thought She used to be.

I won't miss how slowly She eats. It doesn't matter whether She has more food or less food than anyone else at the table or starts before or after anyone else or is starving or not hungry at all, She will always be the last one to finish eating. At home it's not a big deal but eating out takes forever. Everyone sits around waiting for She to finish, then as soon as She is done She hurries to get the bill and get out - never mind that other people might be in the middle of a conversation or enjoying hanging out.

I won't miss She trying to guess what I am thinking. Sometimes She will say something and I will say "uh huh" or "ok" and not say anything else - sometimes I don't agree with She, or am thinking things but they don't need to be said - and She and I do NOT share our feelings at all and have not for a considerable period of time - so it's not really a place I want to go to tell She what I am feeling. She will say "what are you thinking" and I will say something like "Nothing I need to say right now". To which She will respond with She's reasons for wanting to do whatever it was we were talking about. I will say "I wasn't questioning your motives: She will say "Well, you didn't give me anything else to go on so I gave it my best shot". She seems to forget that we have on multiple occassions asked each other NOT to respond to things the other person didn't even say. She also seems to forget just how annoyed/angry She used to get when _I_ tried to respond to what I THOUGHT She was feeling or thinking. Maybe She didn't notice that I didn't ASK her to respond to anything or tell me anything? Why is silence in a conversation such a bad thing? I have spent so much time these past years trying to explain myself to She, to justify my feelings or my actions, looking for some kind of approval which I never found - She stopped being someone I want to or feel comfortable sharing thoughts or feelings with, and She said she doesn't want to be married to or in a relationship with me anymore, so why is it such a mystery that I don't tell She what I am thinking? Why is silence a bad thing? If She had cared a little more when we were married it might have been a good thing. Why She does it now, when it doesn't matter I have no idea. So, I guess I won't miss She trying to guess what I am thinking or feeling.

I won't miss She's opinions about everything and feeling that She's opinions are so important that I will actually care about them even though I DIDN'T ASK. When I tell She about how much work is needed in the house I am considering buying She asks if I want She's thoughts about it. I say no. (Rarely, that - that she actually asked) She asks about the layout of the house and when I tell She the layout of the house She sits thinking for a minute (I can tell something is bothering She). Then She asks something to the effect of "Where have you thought about situating the kids?" Obviously there is something bothering her but She won't say what it is. Again with the rare restraint. She asks "Do you want my thoughts or ideas?" Again I say "no". When I tell She about the house and speculate that the current residents might be drug users She asks if I do get the house whether She can come over and do a "cleansing ritual". I say "maybe". She also offers to help do some interior work "if you will let me bang some walls down with a hammer, that will be my payment". I say "maybe". What makes She think I want She to do a cleansing ritual, or want She's help in fixing up my new house? We didn't work well together when we were married, why would I want to have to spend time doing hard physical labor with She now that we are not?

I won't miss She trying to tell me what to do. ex. She asks if I could come and help her do task X (something that earlier in the day we had agree to work on that evening). I come in and sit down at the table and She gets her computer set-up to start. As She is hooking up the cable She says "There's a stack of mail there for you, you might want to go through it right now?" I say "No, right NOW I am going to do X, that's what you asked me here to do so that's what I am going to do right now" She says "Well, I am not quite ready and some of them are probably bills". Yes Ma'am! Let me get on that right away.

I won't miss She's inane questions. I told She I was going to call person X to tell them Y ('Y' being a very time dependant thing that we needed to make person X aware of ASAP). I made the call, She was probably within listening range if she had paid attention (e.g. within 20 feet of me with no doors between us and she wasn't talking to anyone else, the TV and stereo were off). When I hung up the phone I told She that I called person x and left a message letting her know about Y. She said "Did you tell person X, Y"? I said "Yes, isn't that why I called X, and isn't that what I just told you I did?" She said "Yes, but you could have just left a message saying you wanted X to call you".

I won't miss She's double standards and She's selective application of rules or maybe it is She's self-focused logic. Ex. She gets really upset when I cut her off / don't let her finish sentences. Last night while working on something She said "we need to work out x". I started to say "We just finished working out X" but She cut me off. I asked She to let me finish the sentence, She said "We didn't finish X" I said I wanted to finish the sentence - She cut me off again. I reminded She that She gets incensed when I cut She off and asked She to let me just finish what I was going to say. She again said we just needed to do X, so let's just do it. I told She I wasn't willing to work with She if She wasn't even going to let me finish my sentences. I told She I was done and I walked out of the room. She hollared after me "I cut you off because you were wrong we didn't finish doing X" I said I didn't care WHY, but if She wasn't going to let me finish my sentences or my thoughts I wasn't willing to work on it right now, we would have to work on it another time and that I was DONE talking about it right now. She said "There IS no other time we HAVe to work on it tonight..." I told She that at this point we had spent WAY more time arguing about whether or not She was going to let me finish my sentences then it would have taken me to finish the goddamn sentence" and She said "Ok, now you're cursing - we're DONE".

I won't miss She badgering me when _I_ say I am done and try to get out of a conversation and leave the room before I get really angry but when one of HER buttons is pushed or She gets upset She gets incensed and furious if I don't immediately shut up. I won't miss She's inconsistency. [For fairness, cursing is something that really sets her off - very hot button for her - and She has asked me (and I have agreed to try and really try hard and a vast majority of the time succeed in) NOT cursing when we argue/fight. Perhaps I use it to end a conversation when She won't respect my own statements of wanting to end the conversation, but if so it unconscious - at least I am not consciously aware of using language for that reason.]

I won't miss the way She dumps all her stuff in the common space. She's bag and coat go on one of the dining room chairs even though the coat closet is about 3 feet away from the chair She dumps her stuff on. (even when She gets home 15 minutes before dinner on days when everyone is home and we need all the chairs for dinner She piles a chair full). Of course papers, laptop, whatever else She is carrying go on the dining room table too. Everyone one else gets spoken to if we leave OUR stuff in the common space, but She for some reason doesn't feel the rules apply to She.

Food left out, did I mention that? At some point a year or so ago I got tired of feeling like I was the only one who put food away after dinner. It was feeling to me like if food got put away on nights I cooked it was because I put it away - ditto on She's nights. So, to see if my feelings were right I staged an experiment, one night after She had made dinner and left food on the stove I didn't clean the stove off and it stayed sitting on the stove for four days. Other meals were cooked by me and She (I put mine away) but the food from her meal stayed for 4 days. She was usually critical of me when I left food out, but didn't seem to notice either when she left food out or that I usually put her food away. I won't miss that.

I won't miss all the things She leaves behind when She doesn't finish a job or a task. ex. If She irons clothes the ironing board and iron will be left out, or if it's a good day just the iron. House repairs? She has lots of energy except for putting things away. After She is "done" there will be paint brushes everywhere, rollers and tins and cans of paint in the kitchen, on the stairs to to the basement, downstairs in the basement (but not where they go), etc. Cooking? Always a pan or two (at least) on the stove, usually some food stuff gets left out or spices, often something that should be refrigerated like eggs or milk, maybe the flour is left open on the counter, always lots of things cluttering the kitchen when she is done.

I won't miss She's ability to joke about things that are a great source of pain for me. Tonight while working on house things together She asked what i would do - chore x or chore y. having had a beer i was in a goofy mood and said "I would go upstairs and play Pacman (insert my favorite video game name here)" She said (without skipping a beat) "That's probably one of the reasons we aren't staying married". It felt bad because I started playing the game a lot because she didn't want to do things with me, She didn't want to talk, She wouldn't cuddle with me in bed at night (I kept her awake), she didn't want to be physical with me, so I would play at night after she went to sleep because it was something I could do by myself which didn't make a lot of noise - we were in a small apartment so I wore headphones. Also, in the past year and a half I have tried to remove myself from her presence since I was feeling so bad hanging around her hoping for her approval or even civil conversation and not getting it. So Pacman(reminder, this is not the real name of the game) was my refuge, my coping mechanism, my escape from the hell that was our interactions or lack thereof - and She jokes that THAT is a reason we aren't staying married - hah hah very funny. if not for pacman things would have been much worse or would have ended even sooner. I won't miss those cutting remarks that can stop a good mood in it's tracks like a deer crossing the highway at night suddenly being hit out of the dark by a speeding semi .

I won't miss She's sideways "what about ME?" responses to things I say. e.g. When I say in talking about schedule for a weekend "I want to get to the fitness center sometime on Saturday" She will say "_I_ really need to go the fitness center too, _I_ haven't been in a couple of weeks". It seems that anything I want to do is competing in her mind with things She wants to do, as if me going will somehow prevent She from going, even though I ALWAYS respond to her statements with "Well, let me know WHEN you want to go and I'll try to make sure that we can fit that in". I won't miss those kinds of "what about MY NEEDS?" responses.

I won't miss She's indifference to me as a male. Even when things were so distant between us towards the end, until She declared her love for someone else She would usually change and be naked in front of me as if we hadn't been lovers as if I was so insignificant or non-male that She didn't care if I saw her naked or not. Maybe it is just because I wanted She so much, was missing She so much, was craving physical contact so much that She's indifference, her lack of caring what I thought bothered me so much. I won't miss her indifference.

I won't miss She's complete lack of interest in me physically. I am not now nor was I ever an adonis or even in good shape, but still there must have been some point in time when there was something She liked about me physically - even if it was just my eyes? or my smile? or my chin? Surely there must have been something? I won't miss her lack of interest in me.

I won't miss She's negative way of communicating during sex. She rarely makes any sounds positive or negative, and won't say "yes" or "more" when something feels good, no, instead I guess I am supposed to intuit somehow from her lack of feedback one way or the other that I should keep doing something because when I stop or change slightly I get frantic or angry responses "No!", or "Don't do that" often ending the sex altogether because I somehow ruined things. Never any encouragement, just negative criticism. I won't miss that at all.

I won't miss She's ability to find the flaws in anything I do. ex. We spent all week trying to get the house ready to show to an interested party. The day before the showing it was obvious that we weren't going to have the house ready to show. I offered to call and explain to the real estate agent. She refused said we had to work to get it done. BY late evening I was unconscious and needed to sleep, again said I would be happy to call and explain - She said She was going to stay up and get things done. In the morning She said we needed to call and explain, I offered to call. I did. Later She asked if I had called, I said I did and related the content of what I said, She's response was "I don't know if THAT was the best thing to say". Also this incident relates to She's amazing ability to place responsibility for things onto me. When I went to bed at 11:30 in the evening, we still needed to completely clean several rooms, including our bedroom, the kitchen, the bathroom, etc. When She woke in the morning and said we weren't going to be ready She didn't acknowledge that She spent her time working on the basement (secondary importance) so didn't even get to start on the upstairs main living area instead She said "I thought you had finished the playroom, I didn't know the rug needed to be put back down and stuff put away - there was too much left for me to do myself". The *rug* was a 2x3 foot rug, and the "stuff" to be put away consisted of a wastebasket and 2 boxes. Instead of acknowledging that there were 3 rooms of cleaning left to do which she ignored by focusing on the basement She made it sound like her inability to finish the house was due to the few items I didn't finish. If not for those few items I am sure She could have finished the other rooms after 1:30am when She went to bed. Right. I won't miss being blamed for everything.

I won't miss living my life trying not to be noticed by She. Trying not to be noticed, because there has been no good occassions for being noticed in a very long time, just negative ones. When I am noticed it is never for a good thing, just something She feels I am doing wrong or not doing.

I won't miss She's need to have complete silence and complete and utter darkness in the room when She goes to sleep. It wasn't bad when we actually went to bed at the same time, but it made living in the house after She went to bed restrictive and annoying. Can't have the TV up above a whisper even though it's 3 rooms away and there's a closed door between the bedroom and the rest of the house or She'll wake up and ask you to turn it down. Can't have any lights on that could provide any light that might leak through the door to the bedroom - so no living room lights, no kitchen lights.

I won't miss She's anger and resentment aimed at me when I don't follow through and/or complete some idea She came up with. ex. her: "Would you will be willing to help me do X?" me: "Sure, let me know when you want to do it and I will be happy to help." over the next few weeks comments were made in increasing tones of annoyance. her: "We really need to do X" or "We STILL need to do X" me: "Yeah, let me know when you want to do it and I'll be glad to help". What She really meant was "My don't you do X, you SAID you would do it and it's really annoying to me that you haven't done this yet".

I won't miss She's uncanny ability to blame me for things that go wrong in She's life. (Somehow it seems to be my fault that the restaurant we went to for dinner won't be able to serve us in time to meet other time commitments we have for the evening. Or it is my fault that there are other time commitments in the first place? Or it is my fault that I raised the issue of us not having enough time and asking if we could make a backup plan when I realized the meal was going late? I don't even know which part of that was my fault, but it was hissed at me that I was wrecking She's plans to have an enjoyable meal before She stormed off out of the restaurant and into the night leaving the kids and I to wonder where she went)

I won't miss She's tendency to severely underestimate how long it is going to take to get from point A to point B and to argue with me and refuse to take my opinion into consideration when trying to plot a schedule for the day.

I won't miss the way She retells stories I have told She in She's own voice as She's own experiences then butchers the details. I also won't miss the way She gets upset when I try to correct the details on -my- story that She is retelling badly as She's own. If you are going to steal MY past and MY stories, at least get the details right.

I won't miss the way she always orders one of her favorite pizzas whenever we order 2 pizzas for the family and expects to have as much of the other pizza everyone else likes even though other people don't like her pizza.

I won't miss her ADD-style channel surfing.

I won't miss her sullen mood in the morning.

I won't miss her taking up 5/6th of the bathroom storage space and complaining about my things looking disorganized.

I won't miss her rolling away from me at night as I try to sneak into bed without disturbing her after she has fallen asleep.

I won't miss her piles of clutter that spread all over the floor in our bedroom sometimes to the point of making the floor all but invisible. Piles of books, papers, mail, magazines, cords, things she has bought and not taken out of the bags yet, all kinds of things,

I won't miss the way she leaves her dirty (?) clothes all over the bedroom floor, apparently refusing to use the hamper lest her clothes come into contact with mine - which do reside in the hamper except for a small pile that resides discretely on my side of the bed. Her clothes are strewn all over the room, on the floor, on the bed, on her chair.

Ok, so that's another thing I won't miss. I won't miss her habit of buying things for the home (groceries, home repair supplies, etc) bringing them into the house and then just leaving them in the bags they came in. Often perishable groceries. Once she ran to the grocery store to get some stuff for a kid birthday party later in the day and when she got home she left the grocery bags on the kitchen floor for about an hour after she came home - until I wondered what was in the bags and noticed the ice cream and put it away.

I won't miss the way she turns an offer to do some small discrete thing into something severaal times larger. ex. Last night I asked if she would like a hand moving something (4 or 5 largeish items actually) out of the way so she do some home repairy thing. She said sure. I then observed that there was a lot of stuff in front of said thing, she then casually said - yeah, just move it all into the other room (at the other end of the house). So instead of moving the 4 or 5 things I offered to help her move because I thought she might have difficulty moving them I ended up having to move a whole large pile of miscellaneous home repair items - most of which we in piles because she hadn't put them away after she used them on some other project. There were also a bunch of things in bags - things she purchased for some project or another and never even put away.